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The old five-point scale has been retired in favor of just rating stuff 1-10, which allows me a much more nuanced final rating. Still don't take it that seriously. Most of these come from my own collection, so the grades skew rather high. Your results may vary if you send me stuff to review.

Each album is given three Essential tracks, my personal favorites, regardless of how weird and inconsequential they are. The Quintessential pick is the one I think best represents the album as a whole, so you can try one song instead of a whole album of songs. Non-Essential picks range from merely disappointing to outright unlistenable.

Old Oldman

[#] The Tender Ass EP (2007)

Reviewed August 31, 2018

Spanky spanky, but you won't know it at first.

Old Oldman's The Tender Ass EP may very well be the best worst album name I've ever seen. Whether it refers to the ostensible peace and warmth of its four compositions ("tender-ass") or an actually tender ass, perhaps after a round or two of rigorous spanking, is up to interpretation. Either is just as well, because as little as I know about this Old Oldman, this low-bit EP (a fine 24kbps, courtesy of 20kbps as always) is super chill. It's the uneasy kind of chill though, where the warmth won't last and the watery MP3 compression only serves to enhance the ghostly, blippy, nocturnal murk. It sucks it's only 13 minutes, because this shit stays with you all night.

Getting past the rather weak intro cut "noss", "old dada" and the title track are an excellent one-two punch of contrasting atmospheres. The former's sunshine and birds chirping overhead give way to an especially cool, abrupt beat switchup towards the middle of the track, and all seems less than well once again. No solace to be found on the rest of the album either; the title track's dusty, lurching church organs and the wolves, gunshots, and breakcore-core beats on "outro" remind you that, after dark, neither God nor man can save you out here. Probably best not to linger after curfew, though you'll want this EP to keep you company if it happens. Good luck to you and your ass.

Essential:	Quintessential:	Non-Essential:	Rating:
"old dada", "the tender ass"	"outro"	"noss"
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